Talking With, Talking At

Imagine for a moment, you are observing two or more people. They are gathered loosely, faces and bodies turned toward each other, or perhaps they are side-by-side yet even so, you can observe they are focused on the space between them. You cannot hear them, but you can see their mouths are moving, one, then another, back and forth, sometimes at the same time, sometimes there are pauses in the action. Without hearing anything, you can tell if the exchange is congenial or argumentative. You can observe if those engaged in the encounter are frustrated or enjoying themselves. You can tell if the people involved are talking with each other or talking at each other. In your imagining, what sort of exchange did you observe? Take note of how your subconscious played out the scene; it is a clue to the stress level of your mind and soul right now.

In times of stress and unrest, we all tend toward talking at, without the benefit of actively listening. When we perceive we are hurt, we send out words like volleys of arrows unleashed from a fortress at an advancing army. We perceive ourselves, our values and way of living, as under attack, whether or not it is actually true. It is the same primitive fear that a toddler experiences when another entity comes into the house. It is unlikely that the new child is a danger to the older one in any meaningful way, yet the first child experiences threatening loss. The first child, so accustomed to having undivided attention from their caretakers, or at least the perception thereof, cannot imagine life with another, needing to make accommodations for this other. Truthfully, the toddler that thought they were alone in their world has actually always had peers around them, whether or not these others were perceived by the toddler as distinct others or as extensions of their own self. The nominal newcomer may or may not perceive threat, too. As these two or more equals begin to perceive each other as another, distinctly different from the self, there is the perception of threat there. The savvy caretaker will work with each to show that by expanding the circle creates more opportunities, not less. This perceptive caretaker will help both children express their needs and wants in ways that enhance communication, or at least, they will try to do so! The primitive reaction is still there; it it a matter of how to handle it - does the caretaker talk with the children or talk at them? Does the caretaker, through their own modeling, teach communication as a positive force that enhances relationships, or is communication used as a weapon? 

We never really outgrow the primitive fear of either perceiving our own eroding privilege or the need to fight to retain that which we might see as our rightful place, we just learn coping strategies that at times are better able to deploy than at others. The more stress we experience, the harder it is to use those calming techniques we know, the harder it is to listen. We fear that if we do not shout to get our voice out there, we will spend so much time listening that we we will run out of time to express our needs. So, we shout out our fears and frustrations, narrow our focus to only take in that which we can handle and process (case in point: I have not watched a news program in a while, and read articles from trusted, neutral sources if the headline is passive, or an interesting scientific discovery). In shouting, we drown out any voice but our own, ignoring both the voices of those we feel we must fight against, but also potentially drowning out the voices of those whose needs are greater than our own. 

Jesus certainly had his moments of frustration, and he certainly shouts at the Pharisees, even as he is teaching and instructing and talking with his disciples. Read Matthew 23 for one of the many examples of Jesus' frustration. My Study Bible calls this passage "a vitriolic attack on the leaders of Israel." Read the passage for yourself. Do you think the Pharisees would be able to hear the criticism from the one called "Lord, Lord"? At a time of high tension, even Jesus fanned the flames of discord higher, yet, if we wish to heal the divisions between friend and neighbor in this time, we need to find ways to do what even Jesus could not - talk with, not at. This only will work, though, when we can honestly hear that we are, and the one we are talking with is, motivated by love and concern, prioritized love, to be sure, and from every possible starting point, but it is there in all its varied forms and expressions.

I love you all

~Pastor Andrea Joy Holroyd